Just Being

  I love just being. It's quiet time in my heart and I am experiencing life. It's when I am holding a child in my arms, no words are being said, but love is being communicated. It's the moment I am out walking and I look up and see the blueness of the sky. I breathe in and smell the trees around me. My soul is filled with gratitude and every beat of my heart is in rhythm with love, I am in the presence of holiness, walking on sacred ground. I am  being.

Lost in the Movies

These are pictures of the Strand theatre, in Rockland, where I used to go to the movies when I was a child. It was an old fashioned movie theatre with a balcony. I loved sitting up in the balcony and throwing popcorn on the heads of the people below, after the lights went down and before the movie actually started. I was a mischievous child. I still am, only I don't throw popcorn at people anymore.
One thing I love about  movies is getting so lost in the movie when the lights finally come back up you feel as though you are the character in the movie.
I rented the movie The Tourist which I am sure would have been grander in the theatre.
I was looking forward to watching this movie because I love Johnny Depp, not only is he an incredibly talented actor, he's pretty easy to look at, too.
The panoramic view as they rode the train as well as the music playing brought tears to my eyes. It was an incredible combination. My sympathy was for Depp's character Frank, a plain ordinary man who was being used by a seductress, Jolie's character, Elise. As the movie progressed Elise became more of a character I could identify with, I think that's important to any script or story, there must be identification so there can be connection.
As far as being the best movie I have ever watched, the answer would have to be no, but it kept me involved in it. I guessed the ending, which turned out to be correct. However I am not sorry that I rented it. It was a pretty decent movie, Johnny Depp was good. Angelina Jolie was good too. You must pay attention because everything is said in her eyes.
I officially love James Newton Howard, the composer  of the soundtrack. I just want to close my eyes and listen to this beautiful music forever. The beauty of it makes me weep. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=61s6KoxgtDU

Nature, The Great Outdoors

     I love being outside in nature. I cannot imagine what it would be like to be agoraphobic and be trapped inside your house. I walk alot, I don't run because I want to enjoy my surroundings.
     This morning I could smell the apple blossoms as I walked by the tree. I watched a small bird, wings fluttering as he ascended upwards.
     I was a tomboy as a child, I climbed trees and played down in the woods near the stream. A celebrity that I like and whose blog I follow was recently lamenting about the population growth and how we would run out of space on the planet. She went on to share memories of her childhood, which was a great deal earlier than mine, she shared how she played in lots as a child. I am thinking she is referring to empty lots where there were no buildings. That is a strange concept to me as I have grown up in the country. I could not imagine what life would have been like not to be surrounded by trees, streams and lakes, not to mention the ocean nearby.
     I will never forget the year I learned to swim. My parents had gone on a trip to Indiana, then on to Nashville, Tennesse. They took my older sister and dropped her in Massachusetts to stay with my aunt and uncle. They left me in the care of my Grandmother Sanborn. That afternoon I decided to do some tree climbing on my own. My Grandmother Glaude lived next door and there were four huge maple trees that grew on her lawn next to the road. I decided to climb all the way to the top of one of the trees, the same tree we had built our treehouse in. I commenced to climbing the tree, I got near the top, the branches became smaller and smaller, I stepped on a branch, it broke, I lost my footing and started to fall, just to give you an idea of how far I fell, the tree was probably about the height of a three story building. I fell all the way down, my foot caught on the second branch up and there I hung upside down in that tree. I started to yell, my cousin happened to be outside and ran to get help, but my Uncle Fred came driving by in his car. He pulled over and took me out of that tree, He decided my grandmother wasn't watching me the way she should have been and took me with him. It was the same week they were renting a cottage. My uncle faithfully would hold me up and instruct me on how to swim, paddling my arms and kicking my legs. I discovered how much I loved to swim and at first light I would be up, out of my bed and in the water. As much as I could I would be swimming. I still love to swim. I go to the railroad tracks about 3 miles from my house. Nobody swims there so I am always alone. I love to float in the water and look up at the sky. Sometimes I like to watch my hair floating in the water. There is a painting I love, it's called Ophelia by Sir John Everett Millais. It reminds me of how I feel when I swim.
     Not only was I a tomboy, but I was also an idealist child. I remember laying on my grandmother's lawn and thinking about how wonderful it would, be if everyone in the world loved one another, I could picutre everyone on planet earth in a big circle holding hands. I had no concept of how many people lived on the earth and how big that circle would have been.
     I am still an idealist who loves happy endings. As I walked this morning I pondered on life as I am wont to do. I thought about what we hold on to. Is it the bad things in life or that which is good. Not to deny that bad things happen because they do, but what are you holding on to. I will finish this blog entry by saying I was watching Oprah this week. It is the last week of her talk show. I watched as people were telling her how much she has meant to them, one person said, "you taught me to forgive." Forgiveness is a powerful thing, it doesn't say it's o.k. to hurt others, but it says I forgive. The reason it's so powerful is because it sets us free, free from the wrongs done to us. Knowing forgiveness not only sets us free from the wrongs done to us, but the wrongs we may have done.  Love is the house I want to dwell in and forgiveness is the pillow I want to lay my head on.
    

Vilma Banky

     This is a picture of Vilma Banky. She was an actress who started acting in the early 1900's. I discovered her when watching Rudolph Valentino movies, she co-starred with him in Son of the Sheik and The Eagle, which happen to be my two most favorite Valentino movies. I think she was the best co-star he ever had, They had a wonderful onscreen chemistry which I believe was due to their friendship in real life. They spent alot of time together in real life especially when Rudolph was going through his separation and divorce from Natacha Rambova.
     I don't know why but I am fascinated with Vilma so I went in search of any books about her and found one on Amazon that I am ordering this week.The teaser on the book promises a great read, Vilma worked with some of the Hollywood greats, Valentino as mentioned, but also Edward G. Robinson, Samuel Goldwyn and Charlie Chaplin. She was even invited to the White House by President Coolidge and she dined with Adolph Hitler twice. Amazing. Here's to a great read.

What Is Real

"What is REAL?" asked the Rabbit one day, when they were lying side by side near the nursery fender, before Nana came to tidy the room. "Does it mean having things that buzz inside you and a stick-out handle?"

"Real isn't how you are made," said the Skin Horse. "It's a thing that happens to you. When a child loves you for a long, long time, not just to play with, but Really loves you, then you become Real."

"Does it hurt?" asked the Rabbit.

"Sometimes," said the Skin Horse, for he was always truthful. "When you are Real you don't mind being hurt."

"Does it happen all at once, like being wound up," he asked, "or bit by bit?"

"It doesn't happen all at once," said the Skin Horse. "You become. It takes a long time. That's why it doesn't happen often to people who break easily, or have sharp edges, or who have to be carefully kept. Generally, by the time you are Real, most of your hair has been loved off, and your eyes drop out and you get all loose in the joints and very shabby. But these things don't matter at all, because once you are Real you can't be ugly, except to people who don't understand."
  
     The previous is an exerpt from one of my favorite children's books, The Velveteen Rabbit. There is true wisdom in the words, an analogy of life. The story speaks to my heart. You have to go through the deep to gain wisdom in life. The rabbit longed with his whole heart to be real, for a time he had everything he wanted, but he still was not real, but he was becoming. He would come to be real after the worst thing happened, he was discarded and put out. Out of his misery a tear fell, out of the tear a flower grew and a fairy came out of the flower to give the bunny his ultimate goal, the transformation became complete, he was real. He hopped back to his old stomping grounds one day, the boy saw him and was reminded of that old bunny he had loved. The bunny couldn't stay, he couldn't return to the previous state for he had truly become real.
     That's the way life is, circumstances change you, hopefully for the ultimate goal. What makes you real? Love makes me real, love changes me. It turns my heart towards compassion. It turns my heart toward understanding. It turns me away from judgment, it turns me away from hate.
     As the words to a song I love says, it's like sunlight burning at midnight, making my life something so beautiful. Midnight could be the darkest time, but there are treasures hidden in darkness, a treasure will shine, much more so in the dark.

Connections

     It's funny to think about life, the people you know and the ones you will know. Each person will influence your life in some way. This is the story of my friend Teddy.
     Teddy was born to a single mother. She would not be the one to raise him although she would keep him for awhile, eventually his mother's sister and her husband would adopt Teddy. Teddy grew up in the midcoast area of Maine. His adopted father, Frank worked at the local radio station as the manager. It's strange thinking about it because my father's band did a pre-recorded show that was played on Saturday morning at that radio station, my Dad was friends with Teddy's father, yet I never met Teddy. I wouldn't meet him until years later when my boyfriend, Fred and I would go to visit Teddy and his wife, Joanne and stay at their house for a weekend.
     Through the years we would go to visit Teddy and Joanne, but I never really got to know Teddy until much later when he came to live with us. He and Joanne were in the process of getting divorced, he needed a friend, he showed up at our house one day and ended up moving in with us.
     At the very time he came to stay I had just found out I was pregnant with my first child. The same day I told my husband Fred that we were going to have a baby, Teddy was there, too. We all celebrated the new life together.
     Teddy stayed with us all that winter. He helped cut wood, carry water (we did not have running water) and clean house. The first 3 months of my pregnancy were the worst, morning sickness all day. Having Teddy there was a blessing for us. My husband wasn't really enthusiastic about lamaze classes so Teddy went with me and was my coach.
     Teddy played piano and guitar, we didn't have a piano, but I had a guitar. Many nights we would stay up, Ted would play and we would sing together. The music was a connection that bonded us as friends.
     We also did not have a television, if we wanted to watch a movie we would go next door to my parents house. We had to walk down through the woods to get there, one night we watched a scary movie, he aggravated me to no end as we walked up through those trees. Looking back I find it humorous, not so much then.
    After Adam was born Teddy stayed with us for awhile, we would go hiking and he would carry Adam in the baby pack. I think it was a healing time for Teddy, he had lost his own family, but he became a member of ours for awhile.
     He always knew our door was open to him. He would come again, years later, after our daughter was born and our children were older and live with us again. My husband says just before Teddy came he saw a hawk in the sky and thought of Teddy, how he wanted to see him, about the same time Teddy saw a hawk in the sky too and had the urge to come see Fred. Teddy came and built a teepee down back, there he lived for a season. We didn't know it at the time, but there wouldn't be much time left in Teddy's life. It wasn't long after he moved away that he passed away in his sleep one night.
     When I think of my friend I think of his amazing sense of humor, he could always make me laugh. I will always remember the nights we shared our love of music, the mornings we would have coffee together, or the days we would go hiking together. Memories are like treasures stored up in your heart, sometimes you want to pull them out and look at the beauty. In my heart I have the treasure of my friend.

My Friend

                                                   What I Like About You
 You make me laugh, You make me cry,
Because you're sensitive, But never shy.
You speak what's on your mind,
Almost always, All the time,
You're unique, You're one of a kind

The previous is a poem I wrote to my friend one night. The words just started pouring out as I wrote. As with any good writing it was completely inspired and spontaneous. I didn't have to think about it, It is a perfect description of my friend. He is smart, witty, outrageous, makes me laugh without even trying to. But on the other hand he is sweet and sensitive. There is no pretentiousness, he is who he is and that is beautiful.
One of the things I really like is that he has strong opinions and convictions, he can be outspoken and I admire that because I am like that.
He is so completely unique and different, On one hand he  likes gritty raw music, but on the other hand he likes opera. He always surprises me by who he is, I love that.
I wish, hope and pray for all of the best for my friend.

Music

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2dYfUXxIDYg 
      A friend of mine had posted a video and this song was used in the video. The musician is Dax Johnson, not a famous musician, but a talented man, nonetheless.
      Music is as necessary to the soul as breathing is to the physical body. I grew up surrounded by music, my father was a musician and had his own band. As a child we went to most of my father's shows. Between shows my father would learn new songs. He would get his guitar case out, take out his music sheets and sit at our kitchen table, playing and singing. I can remember him making songs up and putting our names in them..    
      In time I learned how to play the guitar, not as well as my father, but well enough. I work with children and one day I took my guitar to work.  Before I played the children listened raptly as I told them  the story of my father and how he got started playing music. I had not learned any children's songs on the guitar so I resorted to playing a Neil Young song, Only Love Can Break Your Heart, when I finished playing and singing one of the little girls asked me if I could play some more "grown up music".
      Music stirs the emotions of my soul. As I listened to this piano piece images were stirred in my mind's eye, a stream running through the woods and sunlight filtering down through the leafy branches of the trees. A calm place where the soul can take rest.
      Close your eyes and listen, enter into the beauty of the music.

Love

Mother rose Every little morn'
To tend to me There she stood
Waiting by the door Selflessly
Took my hand Took it with a smile tenderly
Mother rose Every little morn'
To tend to me Now's the time
To turn the view Now that I have you
And I'll rise Every little morn'
To tend to thee When you rise
Open up your eyes You will see
There I'll be Waiting by the door
Come to me Take my hand
Look into your heart There I'll be
Now's the time To turn the view
Now that I have you
Now's the time To turn the view
Now that I have you
Roses growing by my door Climbing up the vine
All the thorns and pain obscured Roses shall divine
Where we feel no pain And the love inside
Where roses climb Roses shall divine
Roses shall divine Holy mother
Mother of gold Mother with stories
Told and retold She felt our tears
Heard our sighs And turned to gold
Before our eyes She rose into the light
She rose into the light She rose into the light
(Smith/Shanahan)
This is a song Patti Smith sings, as I read the lyrics they make me cry. In a previous post I talked about my mother. She has alzheimers and just in the past two months has stopped walking. She is unable to cognitively figure out how to put one foot in front of the other.
I don't know how much longer my mother has, but I enjoy the moments I have with her. This song really resonates in my soul because it describes my mother, with tenderness and love she took care of me.The love my mother has shown to me lives on in my heart. Now is the time to turn the view, now that I have you, my mother's love will live on in my children. My mother showed me what real love is, love never gives up, it sticks with you through the bad and the good. In the weakest moments, love is the strongest. It's bright light shines in the darkness. When my heart is broken that is when love will spill out. In the end through all the fire of the trials and heartbreak, the dross or impurities are removed and all you are left with is pure gold.

Camilla

     Camilla, that name will always be special to me, because it is my mother's name. I woke up this morning and some words from a song were echoing in my mind. When you cried I wiped away all of your tears. As I write this tears come to my eyes. My Mom, I will go to see her today, but she probably won't remember who I am, but it's o.k. because I get to be with her, I can still hold her hand and hug her. Sometimes she does things like reach out and brush my hair back away from my face, there is a spark of memory.
     I remember so many things about her, most of my memories as a child consist of how she took care of me. All the times I was sick, she tended me. When I cried she did wipe away all of my tears.
The things she imparted to me went way beyond the care that she gave. When my father had a stroke and was in a wheelchair for 6 years, she faithfully cared for him, she showed me the true meaning of what in sickness and in health meant. She worked at a grocery store for years. She would buy lots and  lots of canned goods, my dad was a carpenter so that was good, he kept building my mother cupboards to put the canned goods in. If you knew my mother's childhood it would make sense. She grew up on an island with a single mother, my mother's father died when she was two, so her mother moved herself and her three children from Michigan to Maine where her own father lived. My mother would tell me stories of her childhood, they were very poor, they lived in a house where snow would actually get through the cracks of the wall in the winter. They didn't have alot of food when she was a child, so that was the reason my Mom was always buying food.
     She was our disciplinarian, but I think when she had the last child she was getting tired of that role, there were four of us, my sister, me, then my two brothers. A usual scene would be us riding in the back seat of the car, my brothers would be raising hell, my Mom would threaten to stop the car, with this threat would come the accompanying hand waving back and forth in the backseat, I assume she was attempting to whack one of my brothers to get the shenanigans to cease. We somehow mananged to make it to our destination without the car being stopped or anyone getting hit.
She was the perfect mate to my father. My Dad was completely taken with my mother, he thought she was gorgeous. He was always trying to kiss her and she would say, "not in front of the children." Somehow Dad always managed to get that kiss in, Mom was a modest person, sex was a taboo subject in our house, the understanding was you shouldn't do "it" before you're married, we just didn't know what "it" was.
     Mom always found out when you did something you weren't suppose to, my brother decided to have a party at the house on a school day, after all Dad and Mom were at work, who would be the wiser as long as he cleaned up the mess. sidenote: the high school is across the road. My brother had his party alright, the principal called my Mother at work, informed her of the goings on at the house, so she left work and came home to bust up the party. My brother's friends were jumping out of the windows, thank goodness we lived in a 1 story house,  the ground wasn't far below.
     My mother was many things to many people, a friend, a wife, a daughter, a daughter-in-law, to me she was the best mother in the world.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-mTz1MR3soA

Rudolph Valentino- Happy Birthday

The kiss of your lips on the screen
The caress of your hand in a dream
A gentle man with a poet's soul
Family and love your ultimate goal.
Softly into my heart you came
The real person who transcended fame
An indomnitable spirit reigned in you
To the last earthly breath you drew
Your spirit lives on today
Rudolph, born the 6th of May

Osama Bin Laden

     One wonders what type of upbringing Osama had, his actions seem to indicate that he was driven by insane thinking. In a movie I had seen, called Incendiary, Michelle Williams plays a woman who loses her son to a terrorist bombing. As part of her therapy she writes to Osama Bin Laden, she says, if I could make you see my son with all of your heart, for just one moment, I know you would stop making boy shaped holes in the world, it would make you too sad. I think if we could see alot of things with our whole heart for just one moment we would be changed. We think we know so much and yet we know nothing. True wisdom comes from listening with our whole heart. To do so one must have quiet within. Then we hear the still small voice of love, calling us to compassion, it swells like an ocean wave and washes over our souls. For one second in time we can see and the impression of truth in that moment changes us.