Letting Go

You lift me up when I am weak
Your arms wrap around me
Your love catches me so I’m letting go
You lift me up when I can’t see
Your heart is all that I need
Your love carries me so I’m letting go

Letting go, that is how I am feeling. My mother's life is slipping away, her health has taken a turn for the worse in the past few days, as hard as it is to face, face it I must.  I told myself I was going to be brave and not cry, because it's going to be o.k.. Yet as I visited with her and leaned down to hug her a sob caught in my throat and tears filled my eyes. My mother, my mother, even though you do not know me, I am going to miss the fact that you are near and I can come sit with you. 
My mother sits in her wheelchair and hums a song. Her voice is the prettiest I have ever heard, almost ethereal, like she is getting ready to sing with the angels in heaven. I sing a silly song to her, one my Dad used to sing, she smiles and sings it back to me.
Then I tell her my most favorite memory of her and I, it was when she was pregnant with my brother Tommy. She stayed home all the time and every morning she would put me on her lap and read to me. My mother planted a little seed in my heart, it was the love of words and books. Every time she sacrificed and used hard earned money to buy me a book she watered the seed she planted, it grew into a beautiful flower in my soul that flourishes to this day.
I hugged her, kissed her and told her I will be back tomorrow with Jack. She was happy.
I escaped away to my favorite place to be alone and think, the lake. As I swam I felt myself letting go, the sobs felt like they were being wrenched from my soul. It felt good to cry and let the pain out, but there is more pain behind it, like the waves in the ocean, it is unrelenting, but at least there is some release. I'm letting go.